Masters Preview
The eyes of the sporting public look to Georgia today as The Masters gets started. Augusta National Golf Club has been getting some good press of late after admitting their first female members Condi Rice and Darla Moore. Condi Rice is the former Secretary of State and Provost of Stanford. Darla Moore is a Waffle House waitress who won a raffle, I’m assuming. In either case, you’ve come a long way baby! My advice to the two of them- play quickly for the love of God- what is it with you women?! You don’t have to line up every putt!!
The club has strict rules for their broadcast partner CBS. Golf fans are called patrons and will be escorted out for the smallest disturbance. They even require you to sit up straight if seated on the ground. If only more clubs would observe this practice. Shouts of “Bobbabooey!” and “Mashed Potatoes!” have been ringing out this year on the PGA tour after a player tees off. Yes, Mashed Potatoes. To try and understand this inanity is to let them win- these patrons should be shunned and or punched. Here’s hoping one of the Pinkertons at Augusta deal some old world justice to these idiot fans. Rumor has it Augusta does have a secret prison….
Here are the favorites to win the Masters interspersed with snarky one liners and a few things I made up denoted by an asterisk.
Favorites:
Louis Oosthuizen- if you say his name 3 times and pronounce it correctly, a big gap between your teeth magically appears.Google his name and the joke makes more sense. Louis’ last name derived from the sound a soldier made in the Boer war after being shot in the gut. He had the greatest shot in the history of golf last year at the Masters with a Double eagle at the Par 5 second hole. Unfortunately for Louis, Bubba Watson trumped his greatest shot ever with a hooked wedge from the pine straw to within 15 feet of the hole leading to victory in a playoff. Louis has the sweetest swing on tour and will finish in the top 5 but will not win. Nice guy too. He’s a farmer back in South Africa. An honest to God farmer. Who wouldn’t root for a farmer? Besides a rancher.
Charl Schwartzel- another South African who won the Master in 2011. He did not endear himself to America when he dedicated his win to the late PW Botha #. Great swing, great under pressure, bad name. Charl. Whatever you do, don’t call him Charles. And the H is silent #. Charl will not make the cut but will hold his head high while leaving the grounds of Augusta because that’s the type of person he is. A proud South African with the first name of Charl.
Phil Mickelson- Phil got very unlucky last year at Augusta-While leading the tournament his tee shot on #4 kicked off agrandstand and out of bounds. Then, wouldn’t you know, a groundhog snatched it and went and used it to build a dam for some reason even though it wasn’t a beaver. All very odd, but bottom line, Phil was disqualified. #
Eldrick Woods -This American golfer’s real name is EldrickWoods but a long time ago, he started going by the nickname Tiger. He chose the nickname Tiger after Lion was taken #.
This is supposed to be a reformed, somewhat humbler Tiger. I don’t see it. One of the only players on tour who curses openly and throws clubs. Strangely enough crowds still seem to love him- sycophants all of them. I guess being the most dominant athlete in any sport ever has its priveleges. He is the overwhelming favorite to win. However, I can’t envision any scenario where the good Lord in heaven above will allow this unrepentant sinner to win this illustrious golf tournament. Unless he putts well.
Rory McIlroy- this fresh-faced Irish lad is ready to overtake Tiger as the best in the sport. That was the storyline until he signed with the monolith Nike. Now he is struggling to make cuts and walked off the course after playing poorly last month. Hopefully Nike and his new found friendship with Tiger will not corrupt this kid. For example, After Rory congratulated Tiger via text on ascending back to #1 in the world, Tiger responded with a text saying “get your finger out of your ass and win.” Is get your finger out of your ass a common expression? I mean, excluding mental patients?
“Hey Larry, where are you?”
“I’m running late, had some car trouble”
“Larry, you need to get your finger out of your ass and get over here!”
Rory did play well in Texas last week so it’s possible he puts it together this weekend but I honestly do not see him getting his finger out of his ass and winning.
Keegan Bradley- winner of the 2011 PGA Championship, Keegan is known for his odd pre-shot routine where he lunges to and from staring at and stalking the ball…..it’s hard to explain but it’s annoying. Nice guy, but takes too long to play thus making him a bad guy. The PGA played up the fact he lived in a trailer park growing up. Wow- what a story! Rags to riches! Well, it was too good to be true. He lived in a trailer with his dad for a while but always had a home in the suburbs. And he was a competitive junior skier. Now I know trailer parks are hotbeds for great skiers and golfers but that just wasn’t the case for Keegan Bradley.
Brandt Snedeker- another golfer who doesn’t help the PGA shed its affluent image. Just the name alone- when you’re born Brandt Snedeker having a butler is just assumed. Brandt has taken some heat on the tour this year because he only playstournaments located on either coast. When asked why, he said it’s because he only travels by yacht.#
Have a great weekend and enjoy The Masters. Australian Adam Scott is going to win by the way.
Dan Redmond is a freelance writer who can be found on twitter@danfromdc He has been called the greatest tweeter of his generation.
